Executive Summary
Every working parent needs support. The key is to form a “parenting posse,” group of people to serve as backup and support for a specific set of needs. But finding these people can be hard to difficult, especially when the pandemic comes into play. Fortunately, there are ways to create this support system. First, make a list of your top three to five pain points, then, figure out the best people that can help you. Third, define a clear system to get the help you need. Finally, if necessary, explore bigger changes — even if that includes a move to get the support you need.
The beginning of this year was a particularly hectic one for my family. From January to March, I would fly to San Francisco every week to participate in a Y Combinator batch. It was a critical opportunity for building the digital tool I’m working on, but it also meant added complexity at home, with a husband building his own company and two kids in second grade and kindergarten, respectively. We had my parents as backup, but with so much going on, we knew we needed more.
I reached out to some of the parents of my daughter’s friends, told them the situation, and asked if they would be able to help with some pickups or drop-offs at the school, should we need them. They readily agreed, so for two months, when things inevitably got sticky, we had a “parenting posse” to lean on — a group of people that I had an explicit agreement with, to serve as backup and support for a specific set of needs.
Then Covid hit, and everyone’s lives were turned upside down. Determined to keep some level of posse going, I reached out to see if these same parents wanted to create a virtual “pod” every morning for the girls to do a math worksheet, spelling, or even just color for half an hour. Parents took turns leading, giving everyone welcome structure and community in that time.
I think often about how grateful I was to have that group — both in “normal” times and not. The needs were drastically different, but the intent was the same: to share the load of everyday parenting. It’s a concept that Alison Beard also elaborated on in her piece, “Working Parents Need a ‘Parenting Posse.’”
It’s a topic that is near and dear to my heart — both in my life and also in my work. For the past five years, I’ve been dedicated to figuring out why the support parents have today is stuck in the last century, when the traditional definition of a family dominated, a breadwinner brought in a “family wage” and a homemaker ran everything to do with the family, from child care to socializing. Second, I wanted to know how we can build 21st-century support instead — the tools and the services that reflect the realities of today’s families, whether they contain two working parents, single parents, jobs with variable work schedules, or other complex logistics. In this journey, I’ve thought long and hard about what it is that actually moves the needle in lightening that weight that rests on their shoulders. Turns out, it’s a matter of basic physics: Distribute the weight over many shoulders.
Of course, those shoulders can be hard to come by. More and more, we live in different cities than our parents and communities of our youth. And if it was difficult to find them pre-pandemic, it’s nearly impossible now. We used to be worried about the regular-flavor complexity of finding the right people, fighting the feeling of imposing on them, and navigating the tricky conversations that lead to clear expectations. But with Covid? Now we’re worried about health risks, different tolerances, and unseen burdens.
So how do you find and form a parenting posse? Whether you’re navigating remote school while working from home or need a last-minute pickup from soccer practice, here are ways to create this support system.
Step 1. Identify what help you need most.
What are the hardest parts of your week, the proverbial straws threatening to break the camel’s back? Is it needing short blocks of child care (for key appointments, critical breaks, or important meetings), handling draining bedtimes, covering the never-ending meals (and cleanup), or dealing with feelings of isolation, lack of personal time, and little sleep? Brainstorm a list. You might discover that your list is really long, so focus on the ones that will make the biggest impact. Narrow it down to the top three to five pain points, ones that others could realistically and practically help with, without a lot of context or risk.
Step 2. Figure out the best people that can help you.
With the most important needs in mind, make a list of all the people that could be helpful in some way. The easiest to think of will be other parents — from your kids’ school, extracurricular activities, place of worship, neighborhood, etc. But while they certainly know the job and can help, they’re also likely dealing with their own chaos. So don’t be shy about expanding beyond other parents. Are there friends or coworkers without kids, an 18-year-old neighbor attending college from home, or a retiree with a bit of extra time on their hands?
Think expansively. When pushed, you’ll be surprised at just how many people you do have in your world that are willing and able to help, especially with short, targeted requests.
Don’t know a lot of people or new to your community? Find a contact sheet from your child’s school or other activities. Send out an email and suggest a video happy hour. It’ll be a slower build but hopefully you’ll connect with a couple of people you can form a relationship with. Our eldest started at a new school this year, and we’re taking this approach, so we can meet other parents that we would otherwise be running into at pickups and drop-offs. (This approach also works if you find that you don’t have time to attend in-person meet-and-greets, even when they’re offered.) If you’re still having trouble, choose quality over quantity.
Step 3. Define clear systems to get the help you need.
Here are four options of what your posse might look like and how it might be structured. Use them as a starting point to customize to your specific needs:
- Kids support + social system: Set up daily homework sessions. If the main thing you need right now is for your kids to get some social time with their friends while also doing some of their assignments (bonus: without your help), message the parents of four or five kids in your child’s class or grade and see if they’d be interested in doing a regular work session virtually. Find a block of one hour to 90 minutes each day and send a calendar invite with a Zoom or Google Hangouts link. Have one parent “supervise” the group each day, leaving the other parents to serve only as backup.
- All-purpose support: Create a buddy system. If what you need ranges from meals and socializing to breaks from the kids, then forget about the full posse and focus on just one other family to buddy up with. Decide upfront what help you’ll help each other with — for example, shared dinners two times a week, dropping kids off at each other’s house for four-hour blocks, or weekend park playtime. In this option, especially during the pandemic, look for a family that shares a similar risk tolerance as you (and you can find a safe way to get together), and the kids get along. This arrangement is far more about mutual help than it is about being best friends.
- Parental sanity: Establish weekly calls. Don’t discount the benefits of a virtual posse that helps with the mental and social/emotional side of things. Create a weekly or monthly standing session with your best friends — wherever they might live. Set up video calls or connect via WhatsApp or Marco Polo. The key is to create a space and a group that you can lean on to vent, to get reassurance, and to get ideas.
- Community support: Create opportunities for learning and play. Find people without kids that would love to pitch in, both because they care about you, but also because they enjoy the company of kids and a broader community. It may be a coworker that has a weekly Zoom call with your kids, teaching them about a topic. It may be a college-aged neighbor who can coach your teen in tennis, or a retiree who’s happy to have a weekly video call to read books to your child. Likely these people will come from your already established network, but don’t be afraid to ask if it might be something they’d be interested in. In these times, it definitely can’t hurt to ask.
These are just a few ways you might explore finding and building your parenting posse — both in person and virtually. But if this isn’t enough, go bigger.
Step 4. Explore bigger changes.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we need to be brutally honest about our priorities. That prioritization might now include either moving to be closer to family (or bring family to you) or relocating to a city or region where you can get more of the support you need. It’s certainly not something to be done lightly and has a myriad of logistics puzzle pieces to think through (including if your workplace is amenable to the move), but it’s been a life-changing move for those that have already done it and should be an option to consider.
As I find myself saying often: There are no good choices right now. There is only a series of “doing our best.” Finding people that help you get through Covid and beyond is no different. Try one approach or try them all. See what works best for your family and the ever-changing times.
Parenting has never been a more constant and heavy weight. But with some creative teamwork, it’s a challenge that can be weathered, posse in tow.
"how" - Google News
October 22, 2020 at 08:24PM
https://ift.tt/3kn2cQe
How to Find and Form a “Parenting Posse” - Harvard Business Review
"how" - Google News
https://ift.tt/2MfXd3I
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "How to Find and Form a “Parenting Posse” - Harvard Business Review"
Post a Comment